A couple of weeks ago on a Saturday morning, getting dressed to go for a run, I found a large lump in my right breast. I can't begin to express in spoken or written words what feelings and thoughts went through my mind. Terrified and numb, I didn't want to say the words out loud because that would make it true and real.
I ran on Saturday and then Sunday was the Stanbury Splash. All the way round that I was determined to not let anything get the better of me. Monday saw me on the Dr's doorstep at 8:00am. The only reliable way to get an appointment at our GP's is to be on the doorstep at opening time, it worked!
9:30am and I had to say the words out loud - "I've found a lump" - promptly bursting into floods of tears and admitting to the GP just how terrified I was. Sure enough on being examined she confirmed it was a lump and explained, very patiently, what would happen next. Our wonderful NHS has a target that means you must be offered an appointment within 2 weeks of referral. I left the surgery emotionally reeling and set off to go in to work. The only way I was going to get through the days to come was to keep busy. Sitting around at home would have left far too much time for my overactive imagination to project forward and write the story of my future, based on nothing more than the unknown.
Given that I rarely take time off sick or have unplanned time off work and my electronic work calendar is open for all to see, I was going to have to tell one or two work colleagues or they would be concerned about my significantly erratic behaviour! People are just brilliant. Of the handful of people I needed to tell, no one asked any questions or put any pressure on me, all of them gave unconditional offers of support and help. Most importantly they gave me the space for me to deal with this in the way I needed to.
Thursday, finally, a phone call from the Hospital to offer an appointment for the following Friday. I reluctantly accepted I would have to wait a further 8 days before I had any idea if my worst fears were true. I must have sounded pretty desperate on the phone though as at tea time, another call to offer me a cancellation for Tuesday!
Friday's birthday celebrations were a bit hard. I really did have a lovely time, had a great run, spent time with friends, my children were wonderful but all of it I experienced with an underlying sense of fear and dread.
Tuesday - Airedale Hospital is a great local hospital. They have set up a breast clinic where in one appointment you go through the complete battery of tests and screening to give you a diagnosis there and then. Sitting and waiting to see the consultant was perhaps the longest wait of my life. I was definitely the youngest there. I proceeded through the consultant examination, through to a mammogram (I won't describe in any detail but they're not very dignified!) then on to an ultrasound. Each procedure separated by sitting with my fellow women, all dressed in wrap around hospital issue blue gown tops (Gok would have a field day). It was in the ultrasound room where the relief finally came! Quite matter-of-factly the nurse said, "yes, look, there, it's a cyst", turning the screen so I could see she quietly explained what the picture told her. It wasn't some enormous toxic cancerous growth that my imagination had created over the last 10 days. It was a cyst full of fluid, which was drained there and then, as if by magic the lump was gone!
The consultant confirmed all was perfectly healthy and normal, the nurse gave me a hug and I set off home.
After making a couple of calls to share the relief and reassure all those I'd made anxious that all was well, I donned my fell runners and set off across the moors. Up to Oxenhope Stoop, across to Top Withens, snow, ice, wind, hail. With not a soul in sight I ran with Blue, screamed, shouted, cried, laughed, sang and wooped my way across frozen bogs and iced up paths.
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| Blue loves the snow for a boisterous roll around |
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| View across to Top Withens - good job there was no one else around! |
I have a few friends who have battled and survived breast cancer. They are amazing women who have grit and determination way beyond anything I can begin to imagine. My utmost respect to them, their families and the health professionals that care for them. If you don't self examine every month, please start as early diagnosis and treatment has much better outcomes. The Breast Cancer Care website has buckets of great information - check it out.
Running and my beautiful moors have helped me hugely over this last couple of weeks. The snow and ice have presented their own challenges but brought their own beauty and serenity too. The Pennine Bridleway relay, I should have been running on Sunday, has now been cancelled due to the adverse weather conditions which is hugely disappointing. Instead I shall set off and run our local moors in the snow and challenging conditions because that's what winter fells are like and I'm alive to enjoy them.
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